In what amounts to a shot across the bow of our closest ally, the U.S. fired off a threat to the U.K. This one is over our common language.
According to Secretary of State Mike Pompous, the U.S. will institute a tariff on British words—hefty enough to discourage them from reaching American shores.
The problem turns on the issue of quality.
"You invented the damn language," said Pompous. "Why can't you learn how to use it?"
The U.K.'s response was forceful but unclear. Prime Minister Theresa Maybe announced her intention to commence a "wah."
"What the hell is a "wah?" Pompous asked? "Are they going to start building a WALL or start a WAR? Even our best interpreters can't figure it out."
Statesmen aren't the only befuddled Americans. Readers, too, have long been confused by writing from across the pond.
Mary Angelica Basquirk, head of the Society of Reading Engagement (SORE), speaks for millions of U.S. readers who despair over British-isms.
"Take the words 'colour' and 'honour'—neither rhymes with 'hour.' So why do they keep the u?" she huffed. "Webster pointed this out 200 years ago, and they still don't get it."
This time it's the Brits who are ready to toss the teabags into the harbor/harbour.
"Well and good," said Hypernia Flavenburst, U.K.'s trade secretary. "No more Jane Austen for Americans. That's it. And they'll have to do without Hardy, the Brontes, and Eliot—George, that is. They can have T.S., but only because he was American."
The BBC weighed in, as well. "If Americans ever think they'll see the likes of Downton Abbey again, more's the pity," said Sir Ian Bonbon, director of licensing. "And believe me: Maggie Smith will never set foot on U.S. telly again."
Given the seriousness of Britain's response, the administration is worried about a voter backlash. A realignment is under consideration.
They'd better hurry though; the new Mary Poppins is about to open her brolly again in theaters/theatres across the country.
Cherie Belle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers
New York City — In a shocking move today, the book trade called for a 5-DAY READING FAST.
"We've seen the research," said Sara Reed of St. Marty's Press. "Too much reading GUNKS UP the brain. Science, you know."
"Try dumping pancake batter all over your car engine," she said. "It goops up the system so it can't work. It's like that."
The industry is woke. Readers, the experts say, need a DEEP CLEANSE—a halt to reading for 5 days.
When asked if fasting will cut into sales, Pytor Gloverloft, the owner of Kansas City's beloved TOP-SHELF BOOZE & BOOKS, believes readers will return in droves—with a renewed thirst for fiction.
"Readers need a break," he says." We predict they'll begin to read with intensified FOCUS and EMPATHY."
How should readers break their fast? "With JANE AUSTEN, of course!" says Gloverloft. "SMALL SIPS of 18th-century social satire—with a GLASS OF PORT—there's nothing better."
Cherie Belle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers
| #MomsAreMad About Books |
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Like wildfire |
A long history Knocking off moms goes back 300 years: to the VERY FIRST novels—at least to the 1700s with Daniel Defoe's Moll Flanders and continuing into the 1800s with Dickens's David Copperfield. The 20th century saw the likes of Anne of Green Gables and Nancy Drew—NO MOTHERS. Solve that, Nancy. Far more recent novels also lack mothers: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Ahab's Wife, The Goldfinch, I Liked My Life, to name only a handful. Peters smeared Bernadette Peters, star of stage and screen, is #MAM'S most celebrated voice "I've been SMEARED. They didn't just kill me off," steamed Peters. "They turned me into a CHILD DESERTER!" |
Peters, of course, is referring to the 2012 bestseller Where'd You Go, Bernadette? "Hell, yes, it's about me!" piped Peters. "Is there any OTHER Bernadette?" Male support Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers. |
Austin, Texas: June 19, 2017 — In a surprise move today, Whole Foods and Amazon announced the takeover of LitLovers.
The acquisition came only days after the organic food chain was bought by Amazon.
"LitLovers fits perfectly in our shopping cart," said Biff Jezos, founder and head of Amazon. "After buying The Washington Post, then Whole Foods, LitLovers makes strategic sense."
Wall Street positively crowed. "It's the ideal combination of vertical integration and economies of scale," said Janie Diamond, head of P.J. Morgan.
When asked if it was a FRIENDLY or HOSTILE takeover, Molly Lundquist of LitLovers said …
"Biff Jeszos and I are great friends. We both know what its like to start your own business. Besides, what's hostile about $3.5 billion in the bank?"
Alongside books, LitLovers will be adding a new line of pre-cut fruits and vegetables, ideal snacks for sedentary readers. According to Ms. Lundquist …
"Research shows that reading leads to WEIGHT GAIN—I should know. Now we're offering a chance to replace those bags of chips and pints of ice cream with healthy foods. It's a winning synergy."
Cherie Belle Korteks
Special to City Examiner and LitLovers
New York, NY: If you like your books upbeat, you're in luck. After contentious debate within the ranks, American publishers say they will no longer publish DEPRESSING books.
"Given current anxieties over everything from global politics to the migratory TEXAS FIRE ANT, we cannot pile more misery on our readership," said Barry Bundlesnorp of the American Publishing Association.
Authors disagree. "We need our readers to feel MISERABLE now more than ever," author Ann Patchup said.
"They need to learn empathy, and the only way is by subjecting them to thoroughly depressing fiction," she added. "Personally, I PROMISE to do more for the effort."
Ms. Patchup was joined in her remarks by fellow author, Filup Roth. "SUFFERING brings enlightenment," he intoned. "I generally go for SEX in my books, but suffering gets you there, too."
Those authors, however, may be bucking the wishes of their most ardent fans. While on book tour, many find themselves confronted by ANGRY READERS, waving books and demanding an end to the crush of dreary novels that have recently crowded the market.
Even reviewers, usually strong proponents of bleak literature, have joined the nay-sayers. Said Byron Shelley of The Daily News, "I've RUN OUT OF WORDS for sad—you've got dreary, dark, depressing, doleful, dismal—I've used them all. Pretty soon all you're left with is 'down in the dumps.'"
The online community has weighed in, as well. Molly Lundquist of LITLOVERS asked, "Can you think of any other consumer product specifically designed to make its users miserable? Other than TREADMILLS? Of course not."
Cherie Belle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers.
| Government Clamps Down on Long Book Titles | ||
Dec. 12, 2016: Washington, DC— In a rare show of bi-partisanship, Congress cried foul today when the Department of Homeland Security moved to put an end to excessively long book titles. Vulnerable to hacking Disturbing trend |
Mr. Combover gave as an example Margot Lee Shetterly's Hidden Figures:Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of The Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped America Whoop the Soviets' Ass and Win the Space Race All the While Raising Their Children and Struggling Against Racism and the Man. Buried code "We have reason to believe there's a piece of code buried in that title," he said. "Why else would anyone write like that?" Other examples include the new biography by Julia Baird—Victoria: The Queen: An Intimate Biography of the Woman Who Became Queen at Eighteen, Loved Sex, Had Nine Children and a Fussy Husband, Yet Still Found Time to Rule a Vast Empire that Would One Day Crumble to Nothing— Further Proof (As If One Needed It) that Nothing Lasts Forever. |
Confusing Lengthy titles have dismayed those in the book business, though for different reasons. "Long titles confuse YOUNG people. They read the titles and think they've read the book," said Steve Holt of Steve Holt, Steve Holt, Inc. "Titles are longer than Twitter posts," he said, "and that's a problem." Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers. |
| Ryan Gosling—Real Genius Behind LitLovers |
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Oct. 12, 2016: Hollywood, CA— Who really is LitLovers? The closely guarded secret that has kept the literary world guessing for years has finally been revealed. Hollywood stunned |
"I'm gobsmacked," tweeted Steve Carell. But think about it— you never saw them in the same room together; it all makes sense." Look alikes Daily News asked Gatti how Gosling got away with it for so long. "Easy," he said; "the two are practically twins." "They have an uncanny resemblance to one another—eye color, hair color, even body build." Hefty woman Gosling's sculpted abs may explain why many—Donald Trump included—have poked fun at Lundquist for being on the "hefty" side. |
"What's a great look for him may not be so great for her," Gatti conceded. Gosling's speech Gatti also noted a perfect match-up in Gosling's speech pattern with Lundquist's writing. "Ryan makes liberal use of dashes and semicolons when he talks—just like Molly when she writes," noted Gatti. Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers. |
Brooklyn, NY — Weary of the never-ending influx of writers, Brooklyn has finally said, "Enough."
A moratorium on new authors passed the Borough Council unanimously and goes into effect at the end of the month.
"They're everywhere!" complained Edith Wharton. "You can't walk out your door without tripping over one. We should build a wall. And make them pay for it."
Ralf Halfcalf, owner of Cuppa Java agrees. "They're in here the whole damn day—on their laptops—and they buy one lousy decaf-skinny-mocha-capp. Buncha cheapskates, y'ask me."
Where once Brooklynites saw a rich diversity on their sidewalks and in their neighborhoods, they now see drab monotony—an endless parade of skinny jeans, plaid shirts, and vintage Keds.
Not everyone is happy about the new ban. When asked how it might affect her personally, Brooklyn author Irma Vepp sounded distresed. "So… yeah. It's like… you, know, like… so WEIRD??" —her anxiety painfully evident in her pronounced upspeak.
Bella Ziplock, borough president, seemed almost apologetic. "Really, I've met some of them, and they seem decent enough. But there's been a lot of pressure—we just can't take in any more of them."
Cherie Belle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers.
| Authors Battle for November Contest |
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Feb. 28, 2016: Greenville, NC— |
November is when the coveted NATIONAL BOOK AWARDS are announced. This year stakes are high with tempers running even higher. Never this bad "I've never seen it get this nasty," said Reagan Eagan, awards jurist. "Authors typically behave with greater decorum." True. Still, it's hard not to feel a twinge of guilty pleasure listening to these Olympiads sling their polished insults. Charge of elitism One debate had best- selling AUTHOR Bernie Sandbag calling rival Hillary Clinchpin a sellout. "You don't give a hoot for the average reader," Sandbag said. All you care about is Goldman Smacks. |
Emails Tedino Cruz chimed in that people are a lot more interested in Hillary's emails than her books. "Pipe down," Tedino. Nobody likes you," Hillary said. "Even your editors don't like you." Their novels "OMG!" said one book critic. "This beats any of their novels. The language is poetic ... the characters so believable. Another critic agreed: "No one could write this stuff. No one would even try." Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers. |
| Top Authors Admit to Drug Use |
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 Drugs Wreaking Havoc New York, NY— Bestselling author Ken Fowlett's latest—the fourth volume of his new trilogy—exceeds 2,200 pages. "I've never felt so good," chirped Fowlett. "I've got cleaner key strokes and more staying power than ever before." Fowlett isn't alone. Dozens of celebrity authors—joining their peers in sports—have turned to performance-enhancing drugs to increase their output. No Sweat An unnamed New York editor said the drugs enable authors "to pound out longer and longer sentences—without breaking a sweat." "The result," she said, "is stupefyingly longer books." |
A question of quality Yale's Harold Bloom spoke for many when he raised the question of length vs.quality. "Longer is not necessarily better,"he said in his typically cryptic fashion. Authors defensive "That's grossly unfair," said best selling author Donna Tartly. "We're giving readers a hell of a lot more than they pay for. They're lucky, damn lucky." Ms. Tartly's latest, "The Goldfish," came in at 2,600 pages. Supersized books "We used to think of Jim Michener as excessive," said Random Haus CEO Don Doubleknopf. "Now we consider his books quaint novellas. Worried publishers The publishing world is concerned about a public backlash. |
"It's ironic," said Gordon Gorden, a marketing director at Simon & Shooter. "Books are getting longer just as attention spans are getting shorter." "Some of us worry that readers have already parked the car at Twitter," he said. Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers. |