sad books3New York, NY: If you like your books upbeat, you're in luck. After contentious debate within the ranks, American publishers say they will no longer publish depressing books.

"Given current anxieties over everything from global politics to the migratory Texas fire ant, we cannot pile more misery on our readership," said C.P. Snow, C.E.O. of the A.P.A.

Authors disagree. "Now more than ever, we need our readers to feel miserable," author Ann Patchup said.

"They need to learn empathy, and the only way is by subjecting them to thoroughly depressing fiction," she added. "Personally, I promise to do more for that effort."

Ms. Patchup was joined in her remarks by fellow author, Filup Roth. "Suffering brings enlightenment," he intoned. "I generally go for sex in my books, but suffering gets you there, too."

Authors, however, may be bucking the wishes of their most ardent fans. While on book tour, many find themselves confronted by angry readers, waving books and demanding an end to the crush of dreary novels have recently been crowding the market.

Even reviewers, usually strong proponents of bleak literature, have joined the nay-sayers. Said Shelley Byron of The Daily News, "I've run out of words for sad—you've got dreary, dark, depressing, doleful, dismal—I've used them all. Pretty soon all you're left with is 'down-in the dumps.'"

Another reviewer, who wishes to remain anonymous, agreed. "I can't recall using the words lyrical, delightful, pleasing, uplifting, or even wistful…like, you know, forever."

The online community has weighed in, as well. Molly Lundquist of LitLovers asked, "Can you think of any other consumer product specifically designed to make its users miserable? Other than treadmills, of course not."


Fronta Loeb, special to City Examiner and LitLovers.



dailynews-header4



Government Clamps Down on Long Book Titles
ryan-schumer


Charges of Blatant Overreach

Dec. 12, 2016: Washington, DC— In a rare show of bi-partisanship, Congress cried foul today when the Department of Homeland Security moved to put an end to excessively long book titles.

"It's a case of blatant government overreach," said Paul Rand Paul, House Speaker. In a joint press conference held in the Capitol Rotunda, Shuck Chumer, Senate Minority Leader, concurred.

Vulnerable to hacking
But officials say they worry because lengthy titles "could possibly" contain encrypted U.S. intelligence messages, making them vulnerable to its enemies.

"We know for a fact that Russia has developed the capability of hacking into these things and gaining access to our nation's top secrets, "said F.B.I. Director Robert Combover.

Disturbing trend
"Some titles are 30 words in length—and they're getting longer by the year," he said. "It's a disturbing trend, and no one knows what's behind it."

Mr. Combover gave as an example Margot Lee Shetterly's Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of The Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped America Whoop the Soviet's Ass and Win the Space Race All the While Raising Their Children and Struggling Against Racism and the Man.

Buried code
"We have reason to believe there's a piece of code buried in that title," he said.

"Why else would anyone write like that?"

Other examples include the new biography by Julia Baird—Victoria: The Queen: An Intimate Biography of the Woman Who Became Queen at Eighteen, Loved Sex, Had Nine Children and a Fussy Husband, Yet Still Found Time to Rule Over a Vast (and Yet to Crumble) World Empire.

Confusing
Lengthy titles have dismayed those in the book business, though for different reasons.

"Long titles confuse young people. They read the titles and think they've read the book," said Steve Holt of Steve Holt, Steve Holt, Inc.

"Titles are longer than Twitter posts," he said, "and that's a problem."



Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

ryan-gosling-not-litlovers2

dailynews-header4



Ryan Gosling—Real Genius Behind LitLovers
gosling-as-litlovers2.txt




 Practically Twins 

Oct. 12, 2016: Hollywood, CA— Who really is LitLovers? The closely guarded secret that has kept the literary world guessing for years has finally been revealed.

According to Claudio Gatti, the investigator who recently unveiled the identify of Italian author Elena Ferrante, the genius behind LitLovers' extraordinary success is film star RYAN GOSLING.

"Gosling is a shape-shifter; he's been posing as "Molly Lundquist" for years," Gatti said.

Hollywood stunned
The news set the bi-coastal worlds of Hollywood and New York atwitter.



.

"I'm gobsmacked," tweeted Steve Carell. But think about it— you never saw them in the same room together; it's starting to make sense."

Look alikes
Daily News asked Gatti how Gosling got away with it for so long. "Easy," he said; "the two are practically twins."

"They have an uncanny resemblance to one another—eye color, hair color, even body build."

Hefty woman
Gosling's sculpted abs may explain why many—Donald Trump included—find Lundquist on the hefty side as a "woman."

"What looks great on him may not look so great on her," Gatti conceded.

Gosling's speech
Gatti also noted a perfect match-up in Gosling's speech pattern with Lundquist's writing.

"Ryan makes liberal use of dashes and semicolons when he
talks—just like Molly when she writes," noted Gatti.


Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

Site by BOOM Boom Supercreative

LitLovers © 2017