5 day fastingNew York City — In a shocking move today, the book trade called for a 5-DAY READING FAST.

"We've seen the research," says Sara Reed of St. Mable's Press. "Too much reading and the brain gets GUNKED UP."

"Think of pouring a bowl of pancake batter all over your car engine—SCIENCE, you know," she says. "It goops things up, stops the system from working efficiently."

The industry is woke. Readers, experts say, need a DEEP CLEANSE. That means no books, zero, none, including Kindles.

When asked if fasting will cut into sales, Pytor Gloverloft, the owner of Kansas City's Top-Shelf Whiskey & Books, believes readers will return in droves—with a renewed HUNGER for fiction.

"Readers need a break," he says." We predict they'll begin to read with intensified FOCUS and greater EMPATHY."

How should readers break their fast? "With JANE AUSTEN, of course!" says Gloverloft. "Small, gentle sips of 18th-century social satire—there's nothing better."
 



Sarabelle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers




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#MomsAreMad Fights Back Against Books
mothers against disrespect


Tired of being "knocked off" in books


May 13, 2018
— Mothers have had enough. On Mother's Day, they took to the streets to protest their treatment at the hands of authors and publishers.

"We used to get KNOCKED UP. Now we get KNOCKED OFF," said the group's organizer Iva Hadenov. "Authors have been getting rid of us in novel after novel. We're sick of it!"

Like wildfire
As #MomsAreMad spreads across the country—gaining members in every state—publishers, politicians, and pundits have been stunned by how quickly it has gone viral.

"By Jove! This thing's growing like wildfire," said NBC's Cal Brittlebastion. "We had no idea moms KNEW what social media was, let alone how to use it.

C. Paige Severn, of the Association of American Publishers, agreed: "Most of these gals are well beyond their 40s. 'What do THEY know?' we thought."

A 300 year history
Killing off fictional mothers goes back to the first novels—at least to the 1700s with Daniel Defoe's Moll Flanders and continuing into the 1800s with Dickens's David Copperfield.

The 20th century saw the likes of Anne of Green Gables and Nancy Drew—no mothers. Solve THAT one, Nancy.

Dozens of far more recent novels also lack mothers: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Ahab's Wife, The Goldfinch, I Liked My Life, to name only a very few.

Smeared
Bernadette Peters, star of stage and screen, is the most celebrated voice of #MomsAreMad.

"I've been SMEARED. They didn't just kill me off," steamed Peters. "They made me a child deserter!"
She is referring, of course, to the 2012 bestselling Where'd You Go, Bernadette?

"Of course it's about me," piped Peters. "WHAT OTHER  Bernadette is there?"

Male support
Surprisingly, the #MomsAreMad movement  has drawn support from men.

"The quicker they win this thing, the quicker they'll be back in the KITCHEN," said one man, who wished to remain anonymous.



Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

whole foods1Austin, Texas: June 19, 2017 — In a surprise move today, Whole Foods and Amazon announced the takeover of LitLovers.

The acquisition came only days after the organic food chain was bought by Amazon.

"LitLovers fits perfectly in our shopping cart," said Biff Jezos, founder and head of Amazon. "After buying The Washington Post, then Whole Foods, LitLovers makes strategic sense." 

Wall Street positively crowed. "It's the ideal combination of vertical integration and economies of scale," said Janie Diamond, head of P.J. Morgan.

When asked if it was a friendly or hostile takeover, Molly Lundquist of LitLovers said, "Biff Jeszos and I are great friends. We both know what its like to start your own business. Besides, there's nothing hostile about $3.5 billion in the bank."

Alongside books, LitLovers will be adding a new line of pre-cut fruits and vegetables. "We've known for a long time that reading leads to weight gain," Ms. Lundquist said. "I've got some first hand knowledge in that area."

"Now we're offering a chance to replace those bags of chips and pints of ice cream with healthy foods. It's a winning synergy."


Sarabelle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers




sad books3New York, NY: If you like your books upbeat, you're in luck. After contentious debate within the ranks, American publishers say they will no longer publish depressing books.

"Given current anxieties over everything from global politics to the migratory Texas fire ant, we cannot pile more misery on our readership," said C.P. Snow, C.E.O. of the A.P.A.

Authors disagree. "We need our readers to feel miserable now more than ever," author Ann Patchup said.

"They need to learn empathy, and the only way is by subjecting them to thoroughly depressing fiction," she added. "Personally, I promise to do more for the effort."

Ms. Patchup was joined in her remarks by fellow author, Filup Roth. "Suffering brings enlightenment," he intoned. "I generally go for sex in my books, but suffering gets you there, too."

Authors, however, may be bucking the wishes of their most ardent fans. While on book tour, many find themselves confronted by angry readers, waving books and demanding an end to the crush of dreary novels that have recently crowded the market.

Even reviewers, usually strong proponents of bleak literature, have joined the nay-sayers. Said Shelley Byron of The Daily News, "I've run out of words for sad—you've got dreary, dark, depressing, doleful, dismal—I've used them all. Pretty soon all you're left with is 'down-in the dumps.'"

The online community has weighed in, as well. Molly Lundquist of LitLovers asked, "Can you think of any other consumer product specifically designed to make its users miserable? Other than treadmills, of course not."


Fronta Loeb, special to City Examiner and LitLovers.



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