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Government Clamps Down on Excessive Book Titles
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Charges of Blatant Overreach

Dec. 12, 2016: Washington, DC— In a rare show of bi-partisanship, Congress cried foul today when the Department of Homeland Security moved to put an end to excessively long book titles.

"It's a case of blatant government overreach," said House Speaker Paul Rand Paul. In a joint press conference held in the Capitol Rotunda, Shuck Chumer, Senate Minority leader, concurred.

Vulnerable to hacking
But Homeland Security officials say they worry that long titles are making the U.S. vulnerable to its enemies. They are particularly concerned that book titles may carry coded intelligence messages, which they fear are easily hacked.

"Some titles are up to 30 words in length," said John Doe of the CIA. "We know Russia is capable of hacking these things and gaining access to U.S. secrets."

Special Agent Doe gave as an example Margot Lee Shetterly's Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of The Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped America Whoop the Soviet's Ass and Win the Space Race All the While Raising Their Children and Struggling Against Racism and the Man.

Buried code
"We have reason to believe there's a piece of code buried in that title," he said. "Why else would anyone write like that?"

Other examples include the new biography by Julia Baird—Victoria: The Queen: An Intimate Biography of the Woman Who Became Queen at Eighteen, Loved Sex, Had Nine Children and a Fussy Husband, Yet Still Found Time to Rule Over a Vast (and Yet to Crumble) World Empire.

Confusing
Lengthy titles have dismayed those in the book business, though for different reasons.

"Long titles confuse young people. They read the titles and think they've read the book," said Steve Holt of Steve Holt, Steve Holt, Inc.

"Titles are longer than Twitter posts," he said, "and that's a problem."



Fronta L. Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

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Ryan Gosling—Real Genius Behind LitLovers
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Practically Twins


Oct. 12, 2016: Hollywood, CA— Who really is LitLovers? The closely guarded secret that has kept the literary world guessing for years has finally been revealed.

According to Claudio Gatti, the investigator who recently unveiled the identify of Italian author Elena Ferrante, the genius behind LitLovers' extraordinary success is film star RYAN GOSLING.

"Gosling is a shape-shifter; he's been posing as "Molly Lundquist" for years," Gatti said.

Hollywood stunned
The news set the bi-coastal worlds of Hollywood and New York atwitter.



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"I'm gobsmacked," tweeted Steve Carell. But think about it— you never saw them in the same room together; it's starting to make sense."

Look alikes
Daily News asked Gatti how Gosling got away with it for so long. "Easy," he said; "the two are practically twins."

"They have an uncanny resemblance to one another—eye color, hair color, even body build."

Hefty woman
Gosling's sculpted abs may explain why many—Donald Trump included—find Lundquist on the hefty side as a "woman."

"What looks great on him may not look so great on her," Gatti conceded.


Speech and writing
Gatti also noted a perfect match-up in Gosling's speech pattern with Lundquist's writing.

"Ryan makes liberal use of dashes and semicolons when he
talks—just like Molly when she writes," noted Gatti.

Follow the money
As happened in the Ferrante case, Gatti's tip-off came while examining Gosling's bank accounts.

"What caught my eye was the absolutely massive amounts of cash deposited every January and September," Gatti said."

The deposits line up with the same months LitLovers goes into high gear—when book clubs select their books.


Fronta L. Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

brooklyn-no-authors4Brooklyn, NY — Weary of the never-ending influx of writers, Brooklyn has finally said, "Enough."

A moratorium on new authors passed the Borough Council unanimously and goes into effect at the end of the month.

"They're everywhere!" complained Edith Wharton. "You can't walk out your door without tripping over one. We should build a wall. And make them pay for it."

Ralf Halfcalf, owner of Cuppa Java agrees. "They're in here the whole damn day—on their laptops—and buy one lousy decaf-skinny-mocha-capp. Buncha cheapskates, y'ask me."

Where once Brooklynites saw a rich diversity on their sidewalks and in their neighborhoods, they now see drab monotony—an endless parade of skinny jeans, plaid shirts, and vintage Keds.

Not everyone is happy about the new ban. When asked how it might affect her personally, Brooklyn author Irma Vepp sounded distresed. "So...yeah. It's like so weird"—her anxiety painfully evident in her pronounced upspeak.

Bella Ziplock, borough president, seemed almost apologetic. "Really, I've met some of them, and they seem decent enough. But there's been a lot of pressure—we just can't take in any more of them."

By Dilly Bettlethrip, for City Examiner and LitLovers.com

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