We Fake News

March 24, 2017

New York, NY: If you like your books upbeat, you're in luck. After contentious debate within the ranks, American publishers say they will no longer publish DEPRESSING books.

"Given current anxieties over everything from global politics to the migratory TEXAS FIRE ANT, we cannot pile more misery on our readership," said Barry Bundlesnorp of the American Publishing Association.

Authors disagree. "We need our readers to feel MISERABLE now more than ever," author Ann Patchup said.

"They need to learn empathy, and the only way is by subjecting them to thoroughly depressing fiction," she added. "Personally, I PROMISE to do more for the effort."

Ms. Patchup was joined in her remarks by fellow author, Filup Roth. "SUFFERING brings enlightenment," he intoned. "I generally go for SEX in my books, but suffering gets you there, too."

Those authors, however, may be bucking the wishes of their most ardent fans. While on book tour, many find themselves confronted by ANGRY READERS, waving books and demanding an end to the crush of dreary novels that have recently crowded the market.

Even reviewers, usually strong proponents of bleak literature, have joined the nay-sayers. Said Byron Shelley of The Daily News, "I've RUN OUT OF WORDS for sad—you've got dreary, dark, depressing, doleful, dismal—I've used them all. Pretty soon all you're left with is 'down in the dumps.'"

The online community has weighed in, as well. Molly Lundquist of LITLOVERS asked, "Can you think of any other consumer product specifically designed to make its users miserable? Other than TREADMILLS? Of course not."

Cherie Belle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers.

December 11, 2016

Government Clamps Down on Long Book Titles
Charges of Blatant Overreach Dec. 12, 2016: Washington, DC— In a rare show of bi-partisanship, Congress cried foul today when the Department of Homeland Security moved to put an end to excessively long book titles. "A case of blatant government overreach," said Ron Paul Ryan, House Speaker. In a joint press conference held in the Capitol Rotunda, Shuck Chumer, Senate Minority Leader, concurred. Vulnerable to hacking But security officials say they worry that lengthy titles contain encrypted U.S. intelligence messages, making them vulnerable to our enemies. "We know for a fact that Russia has the capability of hacking into these things, gaining access to the nation's top secrets," said F.B.I. Director Robert Combover. Disturbing trend "Lordy! Some titles are 30 words in length—and they're getting longer by the year," he said. "It's a disturbing trend, as well as a NATIONAL SECURITY issue—it needs to stop."	Mr. Combover gave as an example Margot Lee Shetterly's Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of The Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped America Whoop the Soviets' Ass and Win the Space Race All the While Raising Their Children and Struggling Against Racism and the Man. Buried code "We have reason to believe there's a piece of code buried in that title," he said. "Why else would anyone write like that?" Other examples include the new biography by Julia Baird—Victoria: The Queen: An Intimate Biography of the Woman Who Became Queen at Eighteen, Loved Sex, Had Nine Children and a Fussy Husband, Yet Still Found Time to Rule a Vast Empire that Would One Day  Crumble to Nothing— Further Proof (As If One Needed It) that Nothing Lasts Forever.	Confusing Lengthy titles have dismayed those in the book business, though for different reasons. "Long titles confuse YOUNG people. They read the titles and think they've read the book," said Steve Holt of Steve Holt, Steve Holt, Inc. "Titles are longer than Twitter posts," he said, "and that's a problem." Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

October 12, 2016

October 10, 2016

Ryan Gosling—Real Genius Behind LitLovers
Practically Twins  Oct. 12, 2016: Hollywood, CA— Who really is LitLovers? The closely guarded secret that has kept the literary world guessing for years has finally been revealed. The driving force behind LitLovers, according to Claudio Gatti, is film star RYAN GOSLING. Gatti recently achieved notoriety as the investigator who divulged the true identity of best-selling Italian author Elena Ferrante. "Gosling is a SHAPE-SHIFTER; he's been posing as "Molly Lundquist" for years," Gatti said. Hollywood stunned The news set the bi-coastal worlds of Hollywood and New York atwitter..	"I'm gobsmacked," tweeted Steve Carell. But think about it— you never saw them in the same room together; it all makes sense." Look alikes Daily News asked Gatti how Gosling got away with it for so long. "Easy," he said; "the two are practically twins." "They have an uncanny resemblance to one another—eye color, hair color, even body build." Hefty woman Gosling's sculpted abs may explain why many—Donald Trump included—have poked fun at Lundquist for being on the "hefty" side.	"What's a great look for him may not be so great for her," Gatti conceded. Gosling's speech Gatti also noted a perfect match-up in Gosling's speech pattern with Lundquist's writing. "Ryan makes liberal use of dashes and semicolons when he talks—just like Molly when she writes," noted Gatti. Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.