We Fake News—No more depressing books

New York, NY: If you like your books upbeat, you're in luck. After contentious debate within the ranks, American publishers say they will no longer publish DEPRESSING books.

"Given current anxieties over everything from global politics to the migratory TEXAS FIRE ANT, we cannot pile more misery on our readership," said Barry Bundlesnorp of the American Publishing Association.

Authors disagree. "We need our readers to feel MISERABLE now more than ever," author Ann Patchup said.

"They need to learn empathy, and the only way is by subjecting them to thoroughly depressing fiction," she added. "Personally, I PROMISE to do more for the effort."

Ms. Patchup was joined in her remarks by fellow author, Filup Roth. "SUFFERING brings enlightenment," he intoned. "I generally go for SEX in my books, but suffering gets you there, too."

Those authors, however, may be bucking the wishes of their most ardent fans. While on book tour, many find themselves confronted by ANGRY READERS, waving books and demanding an end to the crush of dreary novels that have recently crowded the market.

Even reviewers, usually strong proponents of bleak literature, have joined the nay-sayers. Said Byron Shelley of The Daily News, "I've RUN OUT OF WORDS for sad—you've got dreary, dark, depressing, doleful, dismal—I've used them all. Pretty soon all you're left with is 'down in the dumps.'"

The online community has weighed in, as well. Molly Lundquist of LITLOVERS asked, "Can you think of any other consumer product specifically designed to make its users miserable? Other than TREADMILLS? Of course not."

Cherie Belle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers.