We Fake News—Long book titles outlawed

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Government Clamps Down on Long Book Titles

Charges of Blatant Overreach

Dec. 12, 2016: Washington, DC— In a rare show of bi-partisanship, Congress cried foul today when the Department of Homeland Security moved to put an end to excessively long book titles.

"A case of blatant government overreach," said Ron Paul Ryan, House Speaker. In a joint press conference held in the Capitol Rotunda, Shuck Chumer, Senate Minority Leader, concurred.

Vulnerable to hacking
But security officials say they worry that lengthy titles contain encrypted U.S. intelligence messages, making them vulnerable to our enemies.

"We know for a fact that Russia has the capability of hacking into these things, gaining access to the nation's top secrets," said F.B.I. Director Robert Combover.

Disturbing trend
"Lordy! Some titles are 30 words in length—and they're getting longer by the year," he said.

"It's a disturbing trend, as well as a NATIONAL SECURITY issue—it needs to stop."

Mr. Combover gave as an example Margot Lee Shetterly's Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of The Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped America Whoop the Soviets' Ass and Win the Space Race All the While Raising Their Children and Struggling Against Racism and the Man.

Buried code
"We have reason to believe there's a piece of code buried in that title," he said.

"Why else would anyone write like that?"

Other examples include the new biography by Julia Baird—Victoria: The Queen: An Intimate Biography of the Woman Who Became Queen at Eighteen, Loved Sex, Had Nine Children and a Fussy Husband, Yet Still Found Time to Rule a Vast Empire that Would One Day Crumble to Nothing— Further Proof (As If One Needed It) that Nothing Lasts Forever.

Confusing
Lengthy titles have dismayed those in the book business, though for different reasons.

"Long titles confuse YOUNG people. They read the titles and think they've read the book," said Steve Holt of Steve Holt, Steve Holt, Inc.

"Titles are longer than Twitter posts," he said, "and that's a problem."

Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

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