sad books3New York, NY: If you like your books upbeat, you're in luck. After contentious debate within the ranks, American publishers say they will no longer publish depressing books.

"Given current anxieties over everything from global politics to the migratory Texas fire ant, we cannot pile more misery on our readership," said C.P. Snow, C.E.O. of the A.P.A.

Authors disagree. "Now more than ever, we need our readers to feel miserable," author Ann Patchup said.

"They need to learn empathy, and the only way is by subjecting them to thoroughly depressing fiction," she added. "Personally, I promise to do more for the effort."

Ms. Patchup was joined in her remarks by fellow author, Filup Roth. "Suffering brings enlightenment," he intoned. "I generally go for sex in my books, but suffering gets you there, too."

Authors, however, may be bucking the wishes of their most ardent fans. While on book tour, many find themselves confronted by angry readers, waving books and demanding an end to the crush of dreary novels have recently crowded the market.

Even reviewers, usually strong proponents of bleak literature, have joined the nay-sayers. Said Shelley Byron of The Daily News, "I've run out of words for sad—you've got dreary, dark, depressing, doleful, dismal—I've used them all. Pretty soon all you're left with is 'down-in the dumps.'"

Another reviewer, who wishes to remain anonymous, agreed. "I can't recall using the words lyrical, delightful, pleasing, uplifting, or even wistful…like, you know, forever."

The online community has weighed in, as well. Molly Lundquist of LitLovers asked, "Can you think of any other consumer product specifically designed to make its users miserable? Other than treadmills, of course not."


Fronta Loeb, special to City Examiner and LitLovers.



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Government Clamps Down on Long Book Titles
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Charges of Blatant Overreach

Dec. 12, 2016: Washington, DC— In a rare show of bi-partisanship, Congress cried foul today when the Department of Homeland Security moved to put an end to excessively long book titles.

"It's a case of blatant government overreach," said Ron Paul Ryan, House Speaker. In a joint press conference held in the Capitol Rotunda, Shuck Chumer, Senate Minority Leader, concurred.

Vulnerable to hacking
But security officials say they worry that lengthy titles "could possibly" contain encrypted U.S. intelligence messages, making them vulnerable to its enemies.

"We know for a fact that Russia has the capability of hacking into these things and gaining access to the nation's top secrets," said F.B.I. Director Robert Combover.

Disturbing trend
"Some titles are 30 words in length—and they're getting longer by the year," he said. "It's a disturbing trend, and no one knows what's behind it."

Mr. Combover gave as an example Margot Lee Shetterly's Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of The Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped America Whoop the Soviet's Ass and Win the Space Race All the While Raising Their Children and Struggling Against Racism and the Man.

Buried code
"We have reason to believe there's a piece of code buried in that title," he said.

"Why else would anyone write like that?"

Other examples include the new biography by Julia Baird—Victoria: The Queen: An Intimate Biography of the Woman Who Became Queen at Eighteen, Loved Sex, Had Nine Children and a Fussy Husband, Yet Still Found Time to Rule Over a Vast (and Yet to Crumble) World Empire.

Confusing
Lengthy titles have dismayed those in the book business, though for different reasons.

"Long titles confuse young people. They read the titles and think they've read the book," said Steve Holt of Steve Holt, Steve Holt, Inc.

"Titles are longer than Twitter posts," he said, "and that's a problem."



Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

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Ryan Gosling—Real Genius Behind LitLovers
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 Practically Twins 

Oct. 12, 2016: Hollywood, CA— Who really is LitLovers? The closely guarded secret that has kept the literary world guessing for years has finally been revealed.

The driving force behind LitLovers, according to Claudio Gatti, is film star RYAN GOSLING. Gatti recently achieved notoriety as the investigator who divulged the true identity of best-selling Italian author Elena Ferrante,

"Gosling is a shape-shifter; he's been posing as "Molly Lundquist" for years," Gatti said.

Hollywood stunned
The news set the bi-coastal worlds of Hollywood and New York atwitter.



.

"I'm gobsmacked," tweeted Steve Carell. But think about it— you never saw them in the same room together; it's starting to make sense."

Look alikes
Daily News asked Gatti how Gosling got away with it for so long. "Easy," he said; "the two are practically twins."

"They have an uncanny resemblance to one another—eye color, hair color, even body build."

Hefty woman
Gosling's sculpted abs may explain why many—Donald Trump included—have poked fun at Lundquist as a being on the "hefty" side.

"What looks great on him may not look so great on her," Gatti conceded.

Gosling's speech
Gatti also noted a perfect match-up in Gosling's speech pattern with Lundquist's writing.

"Ryan makes liberal use of dashes and semicolons when he
talks—just like Molly when she writes," noted Gatti.


Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

brooklyn-no-authors4Brooklyn, NY — Weary of the never-ending influx of writers, Brooklyn has finally said, "Enough."

A moratorium on new authors passed the Borough Council unanimously and goes into effect at the end of the month.

"They're everywhere!" complained Edith Wharton. "You can't walk out your door without tripping over one. We should build a wall. And make them pay for it."

Ralf Halfcalf, owner of Cuppa Java agrees. "They're in here the whole damn day—on their laptops—and buy one lousy decaf-skinny-mocha-capp. Buncha cheapskates, y'ask me."

Where once Brooklynites saw a rich diversity on their sidewalks and in their neighborhoods, they now see drab monotony—an endless parade of skinny jeans, plaid shirts, and vintage Keds.

Not everyone is happy about the new ban. When asked how it might affect her personally, Brooklyn author Irma Vepp sounded distresed. "So...yeah. It's like so weird"—her anxiety painfully evident in her pronounced upspeak.

Bella Ziplock, borough president, seemed almost apologetic. "Really, I've met some of them, and they seem decent enough. But there's been a lot of pressure—we just can't take in any more of them."



Fronta Loeb, special to City Examiner and LitLovers.

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Authors Battle for November Contest
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Sharp Barbs, Nasty Insults

Feb. 28, 2016: Greenville, NC—
"I saw him back stage piling makeup on with a trowel," AUTHOR Marco Rubiat said of rival author Don d'Triumph.*

"Who cares. I KNOW WORDS. I have the BEST WORDS," d'Triumph responded. "Everybody LOVES MY WORDS." *

"Doesn't matter. You've still got one of those sweat mustaches," Rubiat retorted.*

National Book Awards
We're still months away, but authors have already begun a slugfest to see who will win come November.


* Actually spoken by the candidates.

November is when the coveted NATIONAL BOOK AWARDS are announced. This year stakes are high with tempers running even higher.

Never this bad

"I've never seen it get this nasty," said Reagan Eagan, awards jurist. "Authors typically behave with greater decorum."

True. Still, it's hard not to feel a twinge of guilty pleasure listening to these Olympiads sling their polished insults.

Charge of elitism
One debate had best- selling AUTHOR Bernie Sandbag calling rival Hillary Clinchpin a sellout.

"You don't give a hoot for the average reader," Sandbag said. All you care about is Goldman Smacks.
Emails
Tedino Cruz chimed in that people are a lot more interested in Hillary's emails than her books.

"Pipe down," Tedino. Nobody likes you," Hillary said. "Even your editors don't like you."

Their novels

"OMG!" said one book critic. "This beats any of their novels. The language is poetic ... the characters so believable.

Another critic agreed: "No one could write this stuff. No one would even try."



Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

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Top Authors Admit to Drug Use
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        Drugs Wreaking Havoc


New York, NY
— Bestselling author Ken Fowlett's latest—the fourth in his new trilogy—exceeds 2,200 pages.

"I've never felt so good," chirped Fowlett. "I've got cleaner key strokes and more staying power than ever before."

Fowlett isn't alone. Dozens of celebrity authors—joining their peers in sports—have turned to performance-enhancing drugs to increase their output.

No Sweat
An unnamed New York editor said the drugs enable authors "to pound out longer and longer sentences—without breaking a sweat."

"The result," she said, "is stupefyingly longer books."


A question of quality
Yale's Harold Bloom spoke for many when he raised the question of length vs.quality. "Longer is not necessarily better,"he said in his typically cryptic fashion.

Authors defensive
"That's grossly unfair," said best selling author Donna Tartly. "We're giving readers a hell of a lot more than they pay for. They're lucky, damn lucky."

Ms. Tartly's latest, "The Goldfish," came in at 2,600 pages.

Supersized books
"We used to think of Jim Michener as excessive," said Random Haus CEO Don Doubleknopf. "Now we consider his books quaint novellas.

Worried publishers
The publishing world is concerned about a public backlash.


"It's ironic," said Moe Schmo, a marketing director at Simon & Shooter. "Books are getting longer just as attention spans are getting shorter."

"Some of us worry that readers have already parked the car at Twitter," he said.



Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

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